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Coaching MindBody Healing

Dear Spirit Coach

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Welcome To Your Spirit Coach

Move around my website, read a little and think a little.If you like what you see, send me an email or give me a call or tap here to ask a question of the Spirit Coach.

"Work is love made visible."
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

You are invited to read the Dear Spirit Coach questions and answers and to submit questions through the Guest Book. Please leave your name & email address if you'd like to be on our mailing list.

Spirit Coach 1: Life's Work
Spirit Coach 2: Procrastination
Spirit Coach 3: Higher Self or Ego
Spirit Coach 4: Relationship
Spirit Coach 5: Problems
Spirit Coach 6: Job Problems
Spirit Coach 7: Positive Outlook
Spirit Coach 8: Family

Spirit Coach 1: Life's Work

Dear Spirit Coach,
A friend and I were discussing finding our life's work and she had the following question: "If I come up with my dream job, how can I find it?"


Dear Abbie,
Her dream job will be a reflection of who she is. It will be a culmination of experiences that she has had to this point in time. So, if I were coaching her directly, I would ask what she loved to do as a child, what she loves to do now, who she likes to spend time with, what her vision for the world is, how she sees her personal mission fulfilling this vision, and what steps she is willing to take to find her dream job. The answer to finding her dream job will not be found in any of the above questions specifically, but will emerge from the mental and spiritual work of fully answering each of the questions. Her job will be found in places where she would love to be, so where are those places? Her job would be with people she loves to be around, so, who are those people? Her job would be doing a work that does not feel like work, so what does she do that so engages her heart, mind and spirit that time stands still, that there is such a single focus of her attention that the work becomes her entire world for that moment.

My answer to her would be that she will find the work in the outer world only after she has explored her inner world to find what she truly loves and who she truly is. Then this clarity of vision, combined with her intention, attention and action will create an attraction between her and the job so that they will be drawn together in a most natural manner. This process also requires that she be out in the flow of life, not sitting at home waiting for the Universe to bring it to her.
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Spirit Coach 2: Procrastination

Dear Spirit Coach:
A question that I have is generally this; how do you kick yourself in the butt to get yourself to do things that you know you should do? Another way of approaching this is how do you deal with procrastination?


Dear Kim:
My first thought was: "Hire me as your Personal Coach!" Your question is one of the reasons that coaching has become so successful. People often do not do what they know would be best to do . Second, if you are "shoulding" on yourself about things you OUGHT to do, you have put yourself in a "no win" situation. The procrastination signals a struggle with authority that is totally within your own being. Remove all the "shoulds" from your life, and see what is remaining that you WANT to do, or choose to do.

And finally, think of the voice that urges you to act as the "still, small voice" of your higher self. So many strive to develop their intuitive gifts and do not even realize that the voice is already within them, but dying from neglect. Spiritual teachers talk about living in the moment and following guidance, what do you think they are referring to?

The thought that answers back, "I'll do it later, I don't want to go there, I'll start on Monday" is the ego voice resisting the urgings of the higher self. Next time you find yourself procrastinating, think about which voice you wish to honor. In the mean time, set up an experiment with yourself. Choose a day when you will honor the communication from the higher self by doing immediately what comes to mind, with no procrastination. At the end of the day, review your experience. I will bet that your day is filled with wonder and unexpected delights, to be totally present makes your life an exciting adventure.
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Spirit Coach 3: Higher Self or Ego

Dear Spirit Coach,
Last month you said to follow the guidance of our higher selves. Well, how do I know when it's my higher self or my ego self?


Dear Ellen,
It is sometimes difficult to distinguish, but it is helpful to remember that your EGO was created to keep YOU safe in the world. So, usually, if the thought is primarily focused on the self, then it is probably ego-based.
The following comparisons will help you distinguish:

Ego Self / Higher Self
My good / Highest good
Teeth-gritting will power / Attentively relaxed
Product / Process
Demand / Modeling
Perspiration / Inspiration
Rigid / Understanding
Self-aggrandizement / Selflessness
Black and white / Ability to hold the paradox
Self doubt and second guessing / Inner sense of rightness
Future or past orientation / Focused in the present
Sense of pointlessness / Strong sense of purposefulness
Personal manipulation / Synchronicities increase
Immediate gratification/ Ongoing evolution
Conditional love and non-forgiving / Loving and forgiving
Sacrifice is punishment / Sacrifice is law of the Universe
Unhealthy attachment to others opinions/approval / Healthy detachment from others

If you can be clear about your motivation, then you can act in harmlessness.
Two questions that can help when deciding about performing an action are:

  • Would I do this if everyone in the world knew about it?
  • Would I do this if no one in the world knew about it?

If you can answer yes to both, you know that this is not an ego motivated action.
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Spirit Coach 4: Relationship

Dear Spirit Coach,
I am afraid I may ruin my present relationship by being too needy. How can I stop this? I really want to keep this person in my life.


Dear Mark,
Four things come to mind to say to you:

  1. You must become unattached to specific occurrences in the relationship.
  2. If you really "have to" see the person and she doesn't want to see you, you have opened yourself up to disappointment. When you are disappointed, it is communicated to her through your voice, your actions and your energy. It feels like a drag (on her energy) to her, and she will want to be around you less, rather than more.

  3. If you really want to "hold onto the relationship" you must let go. Think of the relationship like holding a bird in the palm of your hand. As long as you are relaxed the bird will remain. As soon as you tense up and grab the bird, it will fly away. The same is true of your relationship. The more at ease you are, and the less needy you are, the stronger will be the relationship. Your partner is not drawn to you by what you need, but by who you are.

  4. Your partner is not meant to complete you. The more complete you are within yourself, the more likely you will be to have a healthy and happy relationship.

  5. Your job in the relationship is to develop total, unconditional self-love. The more you love yourself, the more you will be perceived as lovable. Can you think of anything more attractive than a beaming bride or a new mother holding her baby for the first time? The reason they are so beautiful is that they are radiating the love they feel. When you radiate this degree of self-love, you become irresistibly attractive to those around. This is how you can build a stronger relationship, become irresistibly attractive and loving.
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Spirit Coach 5: Problems

Dear Spirit Coach,
It seems like bad stuff keeps happening to me, and not small things...really major problems. I always try to focus on the positive, so I donít understand why this is happening.


Dear Jean,
When you focus only on the positive, you may be missing clues that life is sending to you. I think this may be true because you say that your problems are really major.

As we go through life we get MESSAGES when we are out of alignment in some area of our life. If we pay attention to the message, and bring ourselves back into alignment, we are complete with the issue, and go on to other experiences. If we choose not to recognize it and respond to it, life will ratchet up a level and present us with a LESSON around the same issue. Again, we have the choice to respond and come into alignment, or, again to ignore the lesson. If we choose the latter, we are then presented with a PROBLEM. Most often, when things get to the problem level, we respond and clear the cause. However, if we do not, again life will take it up another level and we find ourselves in the midst of a crisis. At this CRISIS level, we are forced into action.

The key to not getting to the problem or crisis level is to be aware and to respond to what life brings to you. Here is where we get into a spiritual paradox. Yes, it is good to focus on the positive, where consciousness goes, energy flows. However, we don't focus on the positive at the expense of taking care of something out of alignment. When the message is received, respond to put things in order, and then have a positive attitude about the outcome. Don't skip the awareness and response steps and believe that only thinking positive thoughts will make everything Ok, you also have to do your part.
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Spirit Coach: 6 Job Problems

Dear Spirit Coach,
I'm at a crossroads with the issue of my controlling boss, and I'd like your opinion. Do you think these controlling people/situations keep entering my life because I need to learn how to deal with them instead of run? If I change jobs, am I setting myself up for this situation to manifest, yet again, because I didn't learn now to deal with changing jobs the easy way out?


Dear Susan,
You are asking some pretty profound questions, and there are no simple answers. Yes, you will probably repeat lessons until you have completely healed the cause. That said, it is always an "inside job" rather than an outside job...meaning that the outside circumstance is only a trigger or reflection...not the cause.

So the question becomes...can I stay in the frame of mind I need to be in to tap into my own strength and power if I remain in this position. And, if you can answer "yes", it makes sense to stay where you are and take steps to work through the control issues there. If your answer is "no", that you are so miserable in your present condition that you are throwing up each morning before you go to work, or you are such a nervous wreck that you fear every encounter in the office, then I would say moving to another position would be in your own best interest. Some people get to this point and develop a severe illness as a way of removing themselves from an untenable situation. As you know, that is not a solution.

If you can remain where you are, and from the core of your being, change the way you are perceiving and dealing with the situation, the energy of control will shift automatically and appropriately. If you cannot change from the inside out, the issue of control will continue to be "in your face." Some ways of changing your perception are to "step into the other's shoes" and look at the situation from his/her perspective... let go of the attachment to being right... forgive the person and yourself for any and all transgressions, real or imagined... and do what is necessary to become complete with whatever happened in the past, even if it means reliving and forgiving childhood situations that come to mind when you think of issues around power and control. I hope that some of these observations will help you in making your decision. Let me know if anything herein has triggered a further question.

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Spirit Coach 7: Positive Outlook

Dear Spirit Coach,
I am tired of hearing about how we have to be positive. With all of the horrible things going on in the world like in Littleton and Kosovo, that would mean being a Pollyanna and just pretending that everything is wonderful when it isn't. It would just be lying to myself and wouldn't change anything that has happened. How can being positive make anything better.


Dear Jane,

There are three basic benefits for YOU in having a positive outlook:

  1. A lot of philosophers and spiritual teachers over time have taught that "as you think, so it will be." There is common knowledge that looking at the glass as half empty or half full will CHANGE OUR PERCEPTION of what is going on. In fact, it actually differentially filters the stimuli that come into our system. We are subject to about sixty billion stimuli a day. Without a filter system we would be so overloaded that we would not be able to function. Our beliefs form our filter systems. A filter system that allows in the more positive stimuli will ultimately be more helpful to your body, mind and spirit.
  2. Researchers have said that we have about 45,000 thoughts a day, and 90% of these thoughts are repetitions of prior thoughts. About 7000 of these thoughts are self-referent. Can you conceive of the power of these thoughts to inform our lives? Psychoneuroimmunology is showing that our thoughts have the ability to affect our immune system, that negative thoughts depress it and positive thoughts increase its level of function. So, again, positive thoughts our beneficial to our well-being.
  3. And, finally, you attract to you people and situations that mirror where you are in consciousness. With a dark, negative outlook you will attract dark, negative people and situations. And, with positive, loving thoughts you attract positive, loving people and situations.

Will that change what happened in Littleton and Kosovo? No. Will it change the world? It can! We will change the world by changing ourselves, one-by-one. The only thing we ultimately have power over is our own self. If each person in the world chooses to come from a positive point of view, the world can not help but be a happier, healthier place in which to live.
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Spirit Coach 8: Family

Dear Spirit Coach,
You have said that it is important that we define our boundaries and
communicate them to others. I have several instances where I have severed relationships because someone wouldn't honor my boundaries, so I know I can do it. The problem I am having is with my family, can't seem to enforce my boundaries with my family.


Dear Sharon,
There are many things in life that are easier with strangers and friends
than with family.

  1. Inside us lives that dependent little child still hoping that we will find safety and unconditional love within our family. So just thinking about defining boundaries with parents brings up all the old fears about being alone, abandoned and a motherless child. Most people can't get past these fears to speak of boundaries.
  2. It is much more difficult to become "unattached" to wanting a specific outcome when we are dealing with family. When we realize that the final stage in enforcing a boundary may be that we have to permanently leave a relationship, most people are not willing to consider doing that with family. Instead, they will maintain the status quo and hope that next time things will be different (all the while being energetically locked into old patterns).
  3. We see our family as a reflection of who we are. Would you have qualms about your friends meeting your family? If your answer is yes, and your family's standards and behaviors do not match what you have become, instead of considering them a reflection of you, think about your family being reflected in a beveled mirror, and your part of the reflection is in the bevel and is of finer stuff. Taking all of the above together, we often tolerate much more from our family than we would from anyone else because of fear of loss; wanting our family to behave in a certain way; and seeing ourselves in them and them in ourselves.

With family, then, we have three options:

  1. Speak our boundaries and be willing to give up relationship with them if they will not honor the boundaries.
  2. Maintain the status quo and "suffer" each encounter with them.
  3. Change our own expectations of their behavior and become able to view their actions with detachment about how they "should" be and what they "should and shouldn't" do. At that point we can look on their behavior as we would when observing a toddler, understanding that they are doing the best they know how for their level of development, and that the only cause of dis-ease we may experience is from our being attached to their behaving differently.
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